What are you waiting for? Take a bite of my heart tonight...

Alright, so mofuggin update.
Life has a funny way of turning itself around eh? The woman I loved for 4 years of my life, turned out to be a whore. Surprise huh? Not really, the surprise was finding out one of my oldest friends is now dating her. *Facepalm*

Sooooo yeah there's that. Another surprise being that, I've been able to get over all of this fairly quickly, maybe because it happened 3 times prior or maybe because the soul knows when the body is dating a whore. Either way, I don't care much. I don't really care. I'm happy because I HAVE moved on and that's the best thing about it. I suppose this residing anger inside of me is just because I don't think she deserves anything but I suppose that may change over time.
I'm happy because someone has been here for me, someone is still here for me. She's been the best helping hand anyone could ask for and I love her with all my heart, but she's not alone, but she is amazing. Her name is Lauren and I'm extremely lucky to have her.
I have some of the greatest friends as well. I have more helping hands that anyone could ask for.
I want to thank my friend Maggie for keeping me positive and reminding me what I have to live for and why I need to keep fighting the darkness inside myself and just keep pushing forward.
I wish I could do something spectacular for all of them to thank them for what they've done for me.
It's so hard to be positive when you don't have a job and you've been kicked a million times. I'm working on it and I'm feeling better. Looking back I'm noticing a lot of my posts were extremely negative and I don't know who or what's to blame for that. Whether it be the whore or if it be the way I used to see myself.
I've been in the mindset since I was a kid that I'm not good enough, but that's changing and it's a long and difficult road. I've never thought of myself as one to amount to anything basically because of the way my life has played out or because of the things that the people who mattered always told me. I'm actually for the first time in my life finding things about me that I don't hate. I've lived my life up until this point hating myself and never knowing why. But thanks to some help I'm working on finding out what it is about myself that someone should find worth loving and that's the hardest, most difficult thing I've ever attempted.
I suppose that's all for now and I guess we'll see where it goes from here.

You can't always get what you want...but if you try sometimes...

So normally I would come and say something excruciatingly corny, like, "Hey journal long time no talk!" or something absurdly ridiculous to that effect. Since February of last year, a.k.a. the last time I wrote in this, important events had presented themselves. One being there was a lot going on with Melissa that I shan't not ever specify in an online blog, lets just say it shares some similarities to a recent horror film. Needless to say we're back together and all is well in the kingdom of Narnia, don't know why, but I fucking hate those books.

I'm finding it unbearably hard to sleep. Not to mention I'm extremely lost and confused, this time with finding a job and attempting to not miss her as we venture into our "first" semester without each other within 35 miles or so.

Yes, I'm insomniablogging, but this time, ON GOOGLE CHROME...yeah...not as exciting as i thought it would be either.

I welcomed 2010 with semi open arms and was met with mediocrity and some shreds of disappointment. I'm still looking forward to the rest of this year because I'm expecting to move out of this god-forsaken house and find a place to live in with Melissa...hopefully.

So amen to things being better and huzzah for a new year, I hope to anyone reading this that your New Year has started off prosperous and continues to be so and/or improves if necessary.

Until next time, adieu.

If only I could prevent myself from being stupid...

Guess what world, it's finally hit me.
I'm a wonderful idiot.

Yep, I'm an idiot.
The biggest one you've seen and I think it's about time I get my god damned parade.
What's that you say?
No parades on Tuesdays?
Fuck you.

I'm such a fucking idiot, it isn't even funny.
Letting myself think I was worth it and that I would and could do something and change minds and be worth time and that there was a point to moving on, like being a speck wasn't good enough, I had to remind myself how much things sucked before times 100.
Now I have this movie in my head playing in theaters 24/7.
I hate this movie now. I'll sell the rights.

Finished Watchmen, yeah I'm a fucking bandwagon whore. It was good and it was the one good thing I've done since ever...i think.

I can't believe I got myself tricked again. I thought that everything would be different two years later. This shit happened my Freshman year the only difference is that I'm not failing out of school...yet.

Now it's back to square root of -1.
This drawing board sucks, it's got stuff engraved on it and it isn't smooth anymore.
People wrote a lot of stuff on here, mostly, Bill sucks, stop using the drawing board and "quit being a dumbass."

I hate to love beating myself up.

But it needs to be done.
If anyone says I'm emo, i'll punch you and see how emo I am when I'm kickin your ass.

Three Cheers for your favorite failure.
The Lovable Loser.
Me.

Well it caught up and honestly the weight of my decisions were impossible to hold...

Two words resound in my head:
Holy fuck...
Some more words resound as well:
What the fuck?
What do I do?
I don't know anymore (this one is popular here)

If I could only express the way I'm feeling about a lot of things right now and how being drunk earlier affected the way I'm thinking right now. No, not in a bad way, just that it's interesting that seemingly strange things happen to me when drunk or intoxicated.

My stomach has been spasming all day and it doesn't feel so good.

I don't know what the fuck I'm even THINKING about right now, that's how ridiculous this is and fuck Eloise Hawking.
"Stop thinking about how ridiculous it is and start asking yourself whether or not you believe it will work."
Stupid jerk...

I find it funny that I have found a way to relate the way I'm feeling lately to something from Lost, I suppose only because it's seemingly the only thing that makes any fucking sense right now, retarded I know right?

If it's meant to be, it will be, and I have two more words for the Powers that Be:
FUCK DESTINY!
and two more:
FUCK FATE!

Because I sincerely believe every time I get close to knowing what in fuck's name is going on, I get the hit-by-pitch-curveball.

Status Report:
Mentally- ?? Where are we captain? I'm stupider than mud fucked by inbreeds.
Emotionally - This rollercoaster sucks, it's like Vertical Velocity
Physically - Don't even ask...cause if there was a word for this people wouldn't know how to pronounce it. Like no one knows the correct spelling or pronunciation of Cthulu, it's a lot like that in my stomach and physical being right now....fuck.

It's depressing that there's no easy way of figuring out how I should feel about this situation.
1.) Move on and find someone else
2.) Move on and whore myself out (not the likely choice)
3.) Don't move on and give this time.
4.) Don't move on and confuse myself more thoroughly
5.) Wake up to realize none of this resembles a dream at all, pick one of the above.
6.) Sleep it off and perform one of the above.
7.) Take more time for me, and do all of the above.
8.) Fuck the above and choose option X. No one ever chooses option X. Something about monsters and security and chemicals and shit. They just didn't get the memo, slackers.

Pardon my use of profanity or don't, not like I care. I'm at a point where it seems like everything has become much harder than it absoultely needs to be. All I know for sure right now is this:

• I have a pulse.
• I'm breathing
• I have contact to the outside world
• My car is not here
• I wan't a dog.
• I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to move on.
• I feel like I feel when I'm about to take a final I didn't study for. I have the chills and I'm pretty sure I should sleep.
• I don't want to hurt anyone else.
• I'm SO FUCKING LOST! (not about Lost, surprisingly)
  
• "He walks amongst us, but he is not one of us."
• Is doing a mental disk check, look it up if you don't know what it means.

Where to from here? Who knows? All I know is where I'm going I don't need roads and I need to figure my shit out. I wish some sweet ass galactic adventure like Claudio Kilgannon and then I can blow up planets and shit then come back and realize "hurr durr, nothings left."
Either way, I'm insomniablogging again and I love it...I really need to get my shit straight and in a relatively timely manner, preferably.
I need to talk to some people...scratch that a lot of people and maybe I'll have some idea of what to do, right now however I'm still kind of a mess.

In Jack Shephard faces (also known as Jackface), this is how I feel right now, in no particular order:




There are some things not stated here and I will be able to understand them better in due time. So many things...

"But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep..."

No I'm not the man I used to be lately. See you met me at an interesting time...

So this whole restructuring is going to be difficult.
I'm tempted to write her a handwritten letter like I used to. Fill it with bits and pieces of the way things used to be.
Someone told me I would make a great writer today,
Someone complemented me on my singing again, someone random.
I love me right now.
That's a first step
Even though she isn't here, I know what I have to do.
I am in a perpetual good mood for the first time, even though I know the consequences.
I know there's a chance that she may not come back, but I have this ability to know that something isn't over, I have this image in my head and I'm not going to say it here, so I don't jinx myself.

I know already what I need to work on, but I want to write her a letter promising her that I'm always hers, but I don't think it's appropriate right now and maybe in a few weeks I will.
The hardest part is that I'm fighting my instinct.
I remember all of the things I used to do that made her happy.

I think she is unhappy because I'm unhappy. I think that we were unhappy because of the fact that I was never happy even when she was around.

I want to apologize to her and hold her, but right now, I can't.
Maybe sometime soon, just not now.
Time is just as much of a bitch as Destiny and they love to laugh at us dumb humans.

I'm going to write the letter.
I've decided...
I just need to wait before I give it to her.
I know what I need to do.
I can't do anything else for her but maybe if she sees that...I don't know
I can't afford to be negative right now at all.
I need to be positive.
It's hard to be positive and not get your hopes up.

I know she's hurting and I can see it. I suppose just seeing it in her eyes right now just helps me knowing that there is more to this than I know. (Insert cheesy Transformers reference)

I know that she shouldn't be my main concern right now.
It's going to take time for me to put her aside and focus on me. I know that I need to work on things with my parents. I know that I need them to just understand the way I work and the way that I feel about things. I suppose it's true that I get so aggravated with them. Maybe I need to forgive them. The problem with this is that I've done that before and maybe this isn't the best way.

She said I treat people like shit. I don't know who per se, but I know that I need to be a better person to make myself a happier person, so I can show that outwardly.

She isn't herself right now and like I said it kills me to see her like this because I know it hurts her.

Update 3:54 p.m. 02/19/09:
I wrote that letter and I feel better.
She doesn't and there's nothing I can do about it.
There are too many things in my head right now, I wish that things were just easy. I just wish we were still together and this didn't need to happen.
She was supposed to meet me at 1:00 in the coffee shop and she bailed on me...she said she needs time. I just hope once all this is over...I have some semblance of love.

And I can't change this I can never take it back. But now I can't change your mind. You left me...

I hate the hills and valleys I'm going through right now, I feel better then it gets quiet and all I see is her face. I just see her smiling and it all makes no sense. This is the only way I can feel better...even if it's just for a minute. I have to write all this.

I've never had a break up where the person never spoke to me again. I can't believe this is happening.

We always prided ourselves on being able to talk about our relationship. This weekend was alright, except for Friday and she claims that this was the weekend she decided. I want so badly to believe that there's more to this that it can't just be this way that no matter what, I can't do anything.

We always talked. About anything. Important things. Stupid things. Poop and farts. What we ate. If we could be anything what would it be.

I had to do it, I didn't want to, but I was driving myself into a hole. I had to delete all of our pictures. I used those pictures to make a book of us and I gave it to her for Christmas and that she could finish it and add things as she pleased.
I bought her a bag for $25 on Christmas.
I bought her a $200 necklace.
I bought her Valentine's Dinner and I told her Friday how much I loved her and how I could never be with anyone else.

I'll die if I never see her face again.
I'll die if I see her with someone else.
In my head I see her in bed with another guy and I just see her almost as if she knows I'm there tied in a corner forced to watch and she just smiles. This smug grin of satisfaction of rubbing it all in my face that no matter what she is winning whatever this war is.

I'm fucking Switzerland. I haven't made any attack and I don't plan on it, but she is just so fine. So ok with what's happening. I'm such a wreck. My heart is still fucked up and I'm crying more then ever. It's one step forward, and whats behind me but a set of stairs just happen to keep falling down like some infinite "Stairs Behind You" Factory.

As much as I love Lost I don't even think that will make me feel better.
Is it such a crime to know that she's feeling something and that this isn't all my fault?
I just need to be with someone 24/7 right now.
I really want her to come walking through my door and tell me that everything will be ok and that we'll be together again, just not right now.
I know that will never happen and me having hopes of it makes it worse.
I need her so badly.
She doesn't want or need me, but I want her to need me.
I want her to come back and tell me.
I want to scream.
I want to move away.
I want to stay awake and keep writing.
I want to punch things
I want to love someone
I want to love her.
I want to be ok right now
I want her to read these.
I want to cry again.
I don't want to cry for her anymore.
I want to move on.
I want to erase her memory so that I can pretend I was never fully happy so that when I find someone else it will be amazing and that there isn't a standard.
I want her to know that I can't stop loving her yet.
I want to hold her in my arms.
I want to know what I did.
I need to talk to someone.
I need to talk to anyone.
I wish it wasn't so quiet.
I wish i could cry constantly so that I could be sick of it and never cry again at one point.
I want to know if she's sleeping ok.
I want to be the one that makes her happy.
I want to know why she isn't happy.
I want love.
I need affection.
I need someone.
I want anyone.
I want this to be a dream so I can wake up and hold her and see her smile and see her lips tell me it was all a dream and that she'll never leave me,
I don't want to feel like this.
I need her smile.

When I look at the man who would be king, the man who would be king...

I always thought I would be the man who would be king someday...
I was wrong...
I'm lower right now than I ever have been before and I still desperately need someone.
I feel like everything is a lie right now.

I just don't understand how she can be so ok right now.
I feel like someone put her up to this, because it just doesn't make any sense and I can't carry on like this. I need somebody...so bad.
I dreamt about her and I thought that it was all a dream, but I woke up and realized that it wasn't and she seems so fine. I screamed and cried and fell back to sleep and skipped class for the day, but I know I can't do it forever. I really need to get out of this place and all of it's damn memories that it carries. Nothing is bothering her.

How can you leave someone you were going to get married to and just be so happy. It's almost as if she's rubbing something in my face. Like she's trying to make me feel like shit and she's going to be happy while doing it. I feel like I just fell into a glass and salt factory only to stumble out in pain and walk into a gunpowder factory and it just so happens some guy hates his job and lit the place up.

I can't even express how much it hurts to think about all of the memories playing through my head. If she would just talk to me, I'd feel better.

She's angry at me for something and I don't know what I did. We were fine over the weekend but she said she decided it over the weekend. How can I make someone happy who isn't happy and won't tell me. What am I supposed to do?

I have no direction right now. I finally ate about 10 minutes ago and I feel better. Not much, but food helps everything. I've been at work and I'm trapped and there's nowhere I can go. I want to disappear so badly right now...I wish I didn't exist and honestly me typing this all up helps a bit.

I need to talk to her
There has to be something I can do or she has to say something to make this better...