Lately I've been wondering as to why people are the way they are and I've come to the conclusion that no one in this world has a frigging clue as to what they are doing. I wish there was a hint button at any given midway in life. I wish you could look at someone you know and just say: "Dude, I fucked up, hit the button, I don't know what to do." But one of my many mantras that I live by is as follows, nothing in life is ever easy.
I recently gave up the facade that I don't believe in God. I never thought it would be some melodramatic event either, like a talk with my roommate, not to minimalize our amazing conversation or anything. I always expected my revelation that God was looking out for me to be something profound and present itself as a major event in my life. I was shocked to find out that the more I thought about it, the more and more I realized I was not as agnostic as I previously believed. Now this does not mean I'm going to get on my knees and profess my undying love for the Lord, not just yet kiddos. I think at this point I'm simply glad to have dropped a bit of a burden for now.
I'm tired of being useless. I'm sick of my inability to share insight or affect anyone elses' situation and when the time comes for me to help, I feel like I'm trapped in a bad dream where everyone always says "it's like my legs are Jell-O" and all that crap. The only thing is it isn't my choice to act, it's the person/people I want to help, they don't want my help and it kills me knowing that I can only stand by and watch two people tear themselves apart because they're too damn proud to admit their flaws and refuse to ask anyone on the outside for help. I feel like I have no mouth sometimes, especially when I know that asking if everything is ok is only going to piss people off further. I give up in that respect and I can only hope that people will open up to me.
So I realized that after my conversation with my roommate that whoever coined the phrase "God works in mysterious ways" was a fucking genius, not only because of the fact that I had a bit of a revelation, but because not 12 hours later a group of students from a philosophy class stop into the library and asked us a whole bunch of questions about God and creation and such and it was kind of refreshing and a slight wake up call for me and I laughed a little bit before they left and felt like spilling the beans about my findings.
I guess I always wished I would be endowed with some amazing knowledge of how to help people when I got closer to figuring everything out.I guess that I was a little wrong. All I can do now and watch as everyone changes and gets over their losses and rebuilds. People enjoy settling and I think it scares some people, and after all, thats what the fightings' all about.
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