I hate the hills and valleys I'm going through right now, I feel better then it gets quiet and all I see is her face. I just see her smiling and it all makes no sense. This is the only way I can feel better...even if it's just for a minute. I have to write all this.
I've never had a break up where the person never spoke to me again. I can't believe this is happening.
We always prided ourselves on being able to talk about our relationship. This weekend was alright, except for Friday and she claims that this was the weekend she decided. I want so badly to believe that there's more to this that it can't just be this way that no matter what, I can't do anything.
We always talked. About anything. Important things. Stupid things. Poop and farts. What we ate. If we could be anything what would it be.
I had to do it, I didn't want to, but I was driving myself into a hole. I had to delete all of our pictures. I used those pictures to make a book of us and I gave it to her for Christmas and that she could finish it and add things as she pleased.
I bought her a bag for $25 on Christmas.
I bought her a $200 necklace.
I bought her Valentine's Dinner and I told her Friday how much I loved her and how I could never be with anyone else.
I'll die if I never see her face again.
I'll die if I see her with someone else.
In my head I see her in bed with another guy and I just see her almost as if she knows I'm there tied in a corner forced to watch and she just smiles. This smug grin of satisfaction of rubbing it all in my face that no matter what she is winning whatever this war is.
I'm fucking Switzerland. I haven't made any attack and I don't plan on it, but she is just so fine. So ok with what's happening. I'm such a wreck. My heart is still fucked up and I'm crying more then ever. It's one step forward, and whats behind me but a set of stairs just happen to keep falling down like some infinite "Stairs Behind You" Factory.
As much as I love Lost I don't even think that will make me feel better.
Is it such a crime to know that she's feeling something and that this isn't all my fault?
I just need to be with someone 24/7 right now.
I really want her to come walking through my door and tell me that everything will be ok and that we'll be together again, just not right now.
I know that will never happen and me having hopes of it makes it worse.
I need her so badly.
She doesn't want or need me, but I want her to need me.
I want her to come back and tell me.
I want to scream.
I want to move away.
I want to stay awake and keep writing.
I want to punch things
I want to love someone
I want to love her.
I want to be ok right now
I want her to read these.
I want to cry again.
I don't want to cry for her anymore.
I want to move on.
I want to erase her memory so that I can pretend I was never fully happy so that when I find someone else it will be amazing and that there isn't a standard.
I want her to know that I can't stop loving her yet.
I want to hold her in my arms.
I want to know what I did.
I need to talk to someone.
I need to talk to anyone.
I wish it wasn't so quiet.
I wish i could cry constantly so that I could be sick of it and never cry again at one point.
I want to know if she's sleeping ok.
I want to be the one that makes her happy.
I want to know why she isn't happy.
I want love.
I need affection.
I need someone.
I want anyone.
I want this to be a dream so I can wake up and hold her and see her smile and see her lips tell me it was all a dream and that she'll never leave me,
I don't want to feel like this.
I need her smile.
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