So this whole restructuring is going to be difficult.
I'm tempted to write her a handwritten letter like I used to. Fill it with bits and pieces of the way things used to be.
Someone told me I would make a great writer today,
Someone complemented me on my singing again, someone random.
I love me right now.
That's a first step
Even though she isn't here, I know what I have to do.
I am in a perpetual good mood for the first time, even though I know the consequences.
I know there's a chance that she may not come back, but I have this ability to know that something isn't over, I have this image in my head and I'm not going to say it here, so I don't jinx myself.
I know already what I need to work on, but I want to write her a letter promising her that I'm always hers, but I don't think it's appropriate right now and maybe in a few weeks I will.
The hardest part is that I'm fighting my instinct.
I remember all of the things I used to do that made her happy.
I think she is unhappy because I'm unhappy. I think that we were unhappy because of the fact that I was never happy even when she was around.
I want to apologize to her and hold her, but right now, I can't.
Maybe sometime soon, just not now.
Time is just as much of a bitch as Destiny and they love to laugh at us dumb humans.
I'm going to write the letter.
I've decided...
I just need to wait before I give it to her.
I know what I need to do.
I can't do anything else for her but maybe if she sees that...I don't know
I can't afford to be negative right now at all.
I need to be positive.
It's hard to be positive and not get your hopes up.
I know she's hurting and I can see it. I suppose just seeing it in her eyes right now just helps me knowing that there is more to this than I know. (Insert cheesy Transformers reference)
I know that she shouldn't be my main concern right now.
It's going to take time for me to put her aside and focus on me. I know that I need to work on things with my parents. I know that I need them to just understand the way I work and the way that I feel about things. I suppose it's true that I get so aggravated with them. Maybe I need to forgive them. The problem with this is that I've done that before and maybe this isn't the best way.
She said I treat people like shit. I don't know who per se, but I know that I need to be a better person to make myself a happier person, so I can show that outwardly.
She isn't herself right now and like I said it kills me to see her like this because I know it hurts her.
Update 3:54 p.m. 02/19/09:
I wrote that letter and I feel better.
She doesn't and there's nothing I can do about it.
There are too many things in my head right now, I wish that things were just easy. I just wish we were still together and this didn't need to happen.
She was supposed to meet me at 1:00 in the coffee shop and she bailed on me...she said she needs time. I just hope once all this is over...I have some semblance of love.
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